W. Gauthier Marx, Revolutionary Consultant

For Immediate Release

Directions to the American Left

Speech Delivered at the Alt 19 Hardee’s

Spring Hill, Florida, November 7, 2001

Good afternoon members of the media, consumers,

activists, and hello to you, fast food clerk.

GOod to meet you mandy. Number 5 happy meal.

Yes I would like fries- excuse me.

I have come to this historic location to speak

to you today of the grave threat now hanging over

us. We today are disarmed and helpless against this

perennial threat. I refer of course to the NRA.

Gentlemen, Ladies, Mandy, it is time that the left

was armed. For too long, for years, ever since the

Weathermen this country has feared only right-wing

mayhem. A crazed liberal? The idea conjures up

Michael Dukakis riding a tank. Ha! In this hour of

our nation’s need this must change: I call on every

member of the Left to act in the national good.

Here you go. Thanks. Yes, I’d like horseradish sauce.

Here’s what you can do: find members of the NRA. Avoid

political, economic, or religious questions. Discuss

beer with them. Cheap beer is best. If you have

any knowledge of fish or football use this to your

advantage. With their help, buy yourself a rifle. Attend

their safety and marskmenship courses.

This has several benefits, which I will enumerate.

One: You will be armed. The importance of this can not

be overstated.

Two: You will know who the NRA are. Get to

know these people and their quirks. They may be shooting

at you one day and I will EXPECT you to know them by name.

Ma’am, You are out of ice. Oh, push on the lever? Thank you.

*whirr, crunch*

Three:

Getting to know these people will have important hidden

benefits. You will learn about their “Red County” GW Bush

way of thinking. These are smart people. Do not under-

estimate them or conclude that their naivety makes them

stupid. Naive. Yes, sir, naive. Perhaps I could furnish you

a dictionary after the lecture? Same to you, buddy.

Where was I? Oh, yes, the key benefit. The 2000 Election

preoved that we live in a divided society. We drift through

circles of people who already think as we do. By bridging

this divide, gun in hand, you can demonstrate to these

Heston-following maniacs that the other half are not some

communist holdover but are a diverse and vital part of the

American mileu. With any luck they will

be too confused by the experience to take to the streets when

our moment comes.